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Jul. 15th, 2012 02:03 pmYesterday was definitely a day of high highs and low lows. Usually with this journal I try only to focus on the good (as per it's function) but... I would feel a little silly down right ignoring the hard parts of yesterday, so I'm going to walk the thin line of talking about them without dwelling on them.
So, Chantel wanted her parents to drive us around yesterday. This means I spent a lot of time in her dad's hot loud car with her mom, her dad, her sister, and her newphew (and chantel herself). This is a pretty stressful situation for me. I don't feel comfortable having no control over the where and when of my travel, so. We did end up getting some pretty sweet new sheets though; really nice green stripy ones and nice purple ones with flowers on the edges. They're really good quality too, and they were only fourteen bucks each.
Chantel got her new hair, and she's going to be getting it sewn in tomorrow. I got a new wig, which was admittedly really expensive, but it's a lot better quality than my green wig. Don't get me wrong, I love my green wig so much, but this one is really nice too. It's short and flared up in the back, and it's black and kind of blue-purple. Really pretty.
So then we went to wallmart to get some things. We were dropped off, and I was really relieved to be back in control of our travels. Plus, not sharing company with someone who doesn't want me to marry his daughter is something I'm down with.
We got our baking stuff and draino (stupid clogged shower) and what not, but I had a bit of a breakdown. It was busy and loud and I was already burnt out from the stupid furniture store with her parents, and the mall after that (though, the hairstore was fun). I cried for a bit and chantel was a awesome as she always is; comforting me and making me feel better, and putting up with my crazy. She never gets mad or anything; she's nothing but understanding and supportive. Her fortune cookie last night said something like 'you always try to protect the ones you love' or something along those lines. It was fitting.
So anyway. We taxi-ed home, and it was about 5. My auntie was supposed to call at six so we could have dinner, but didn't end up calling until nine. I thought she forgot, or fell asleep, or something... I was pretty sad. I cried again and Chantel snuggled me. She played a game of Furoticon with me, in which I got my ass handed to me, but it was all good. Then we ordered dinner (Tooce had sent me money earlier in the day, which cofused me because she didn't mention anything about being late) which was chinese food. We ate that, and not long after she spotted Tooce on facebook and we got in touch.
Apparently everything went wrong for her that day, which I can totally understand. Airports and stuff. Chantel and me taxi-ed down to see her at the motel, and I finally got to see her. Man, there were so many hugs. I swear, I got all of the hugs. All of them.
It was really awesome to see her again. I'm usually so nervous and self conscious, but I just felt like I was okay being around her. Like she got my stupid jokes, and didn't tease me or make me feel bad. I felt like she was like me, like I wasn't so... alone. Like I had a family. I pretty much forgot what that feels like.
And now to make my icon relevant, there were was awesome Stuff. Tooce's husband rolled us some wicked BC Stuff, and.... HOLY FUCK is all I'm going to say. Chantel bordered Too High after only a few puffs. I did more than her and while I didn't get too up there, I was still cruising. Like.... dry mouth, couldn't even talk, got myself all confused and turned around when trying to say stuff... it was wickedly fun, like the first time I ever did Stuff. Man, chalk that up to another reason I would enjoy going back to BC; the Stuff is awesome!
I was actually really glad I got to do that meeting high though, because I'm not sure I could have handled it sober. I was nervous and tense and worried about everything... and after a few puffs I chilled out and just enjoyed my auntie's company. She was pretty smashed too, so... we were more on even ground once I was up there.
It was so awesome to see Tooce. We just joked around, and she was totally cool abot how high I was. Didn't make fun or me or tell me to ease up or anything; she just let me be. We joked around, and talked about my mom, BC, help dogs, relationships, drugs, family, our baby dogs... It just felt like everything was okay.
I don't know how to explain this; it's like... I'm used to being alone. To not having a family. To having nowhere to go for special occasions. To feeling like I'm the only person like me in the whole world. But spending time with Tooce... (or my mom, for that matter) makes all of that go away. I don't feel like I'm alone anymore. I feel like... I belong somewhere.
And I'm so glad that it happened, but I hate that the feeling had to go away. I hate that I'm stuck here, when my auntie and my mom are getting older, and I only have so much time left with them...
I really wish I could just "poof", go back. I know I can't, I know the reasons I should stay here, and honestly I'm happy with the life I have here with Chantel. It's just... after pretty much a lifetime of feeling like someone with no family, to suddenly realize that they are there, that there are people like me that I just feel so right around, but to know they are so far away.... it hurts me. It rally hurts me.
I know I should be happy that it happened, and I am. I am so happy I got to see her and talk to her and hug her, but in addition to that happiness, I am also very very sad. I feel... like I'm missing out on being with the only two people who have ever been my real family. I cried about it some last night, but then Chantel started crying and saying I should be happy... and she's right, and I am, I really am. I'm just also... also sad. and I'm crying. And it's not fair, and I'm so so lonely.
I had been hoping for some Stuff to help get me through today alone (Chantel is at work) but Kim isn't coming over. So, I'm forced into unpleasant miserable sobriety.
Chantel is going to be home tomorrow and the next day though, and with any luck Kim will bring over Stuff. Or we might go over to her place, either way. We're gunna make this wicked icecream tort, which should be delicious. Also, we had cookies and icecream last night while coming down, which was pretty magically delicious.
So today I think I'm pretty much gunna clean stuff, because the apartment is a bloody disaster. Gunna play some music, too. Looking forward to not being by myself tomorrow. At least I have animals; Res is curled up next to me right now, so I'm not really alone.
So, Chantel wanted her parents to drive us around yesterday. This means I spent a lot of time in her dad's hot loud car with her mom, her dad, her sister, and her newphew (and chantel herself). This is a pretty stressful situation for me. I don't feel comfortable having no control over the where and when of my travel, so. We did end up getting some pretty sweet new sheets though; really nice green stripy ones and nice purple ones with flowers on the edges. They're really good quality too, and they were only fourteen bucks each.
Chantel got her new hair, and she's going to be getting it sewn in tomorrow. I got a new wig, which was admittedly really expensive, but it's a lot better quality than my green wig. Don't get me wrong, I love my green wig so much, but this one is really nice too. It's short and flared up in the back, and it's black and kind of blue-purple. Really pretty.
So then we went to wallmart to get some things. We were dropped off, and I was really relieved to be back in control of our travels. Plus, not sharing company with someone who doesn't want me to marry his daughter is something I'm down with.
We got our baking stuff and draino (stupid clogged shower) and what not, but I had a bit of a breakdown. It was busy and loud and I was already burnt out from the stupid furniture store with her parents, and the mall after that (though, the hairstore was fun). I cried for a bit and chantel was a awesome as she always is; comforting me and making me feel better, and putting up with my crazy. She never gets mad or anything; she's nothing but understanding and supportive. Her fortune cookie last night said something like 'you always try to protect the ones you love' or something along those lines. It was fitting.
So anyway. We taxi-ed home, and it was about 5. My auntie was supposed to call at six so we could have dinner, but didn't end up calling until nine. I thought she forgot, or fell asleep, or something... I was pretty sad. I cried again and Chantel snuggled me. She played a game of Furoticon with me, in which I got my ass handed to me, but it was all good. Then we ordered dinner (Tooce had sent me money earlier in the day, which cofused me because she didn't mention anything about being late) which was chinese food. We ate that, and not long after she spotted Tooce on facebook and we got in touch.
Apparently everything went wrong for her that day, which I can totally understand. Airports and stuff. Chantel and me taxi-ed down to see her at the motel, and I finally got to see her. Man, there were so many hugs. I swear, I got all of the hugs. All of them.
It was really awesome to see her again. I'm usually so nervous and self conscious, but I just felt like I was okay being around her. Like she got my stupid jokes, and didn't tease me or make me feel bad. I felt like she was like me, like I wasn't so... alone. Like I had a family. I pretty much forgot what that feels like.
And now to make my icon relevant, there were was awesome Stuff. Tooce's husband rolled us some wicked BC Stuff, and.... HOLY FUCK is all I'm going to say. Chantel bordered Too High after only a few puffs. I did more than her and while I didn't get too up there, I was still cruising. Like.... dry mouth, couldn't even talk, got myself all confused and turned around when trying to say stuff... it was wickedly fun, like the first time I ever did Stuff. Man, chalk that up to another reason I would enjoy going back to BC; the Stuff is awesome!
I was actually really glad I got to do that meeting high though, because I'm not sure I could have handled it sober. I was nervous and tense and worried about everything... and after a few puffs I chilled out and just enjoyed my auntie's company. She was pretty smashed too, so... we were more on even ground once I was up there.
It was so awesome to see Tooce. We just joked around, and she was totally cool abot how high I was. Didn't make fun or me or tell me to ease up or anything; she just let me be. We joked around, and talked about my mom, BC, help dogs, relationships, drugs, family, our baby dogs... It just felt like everything was okay.
I don't know how to explain this; it's like... I'm used to being alone. To not having a family. To having nowhere to go for special occasions. To feeling like I'm the only person like me in the whole world. But spending time with Tooce... (or my mom, for that matter) makes all of that go away. I don't feel like I'm alone anymore. I feel like... I belong somewhere.
And I'm so glad that it happened, but I hate that the feeling had to go away. I hate that I'm stuck here, when my auntie and my mom are getting older, and I only have so much time left with them...
I really wish I could just "poof", go back. I know I can't, I know the reasons I should stay here, and honestly I'm happy with the life I have here with Chantel. It's just... after pretty much a lifetime of feeling like someone with no family, to suddenly realize that they are there, that there are people like me that I just feel so right around, but to know they are so far away.... it hurts me. It rally hurts me.
I know I should be happy that it happened, and I am. I am so happy I got to see her and talk to her and hug her, but in addition to that happiness, I am also very very sad. I feel... like I'm missing out on being with the only two people who have ever been my real family. I cried about it some last night, but then Chantel started crying and saying I should be happy... and she's right, and I am, I really am. I'm just also... also sad. and I'm crying. And it's not fair, and I'm so so lonely.
I had been hoping for some Stuff to help get me through today alone (Chantel is at work) but Kim isn't coming over. So, I'm forced into unpleasant miserable sobriety.
Chantel is going to be home tomorrow and the next day though, and with any luck Kim will bring over Stuff. Or we might go over to her place, either way. We're gunna make this wicked icecream tort, which should be delicious. Also, we had cookies and icecream last night while coming down, which was pretty magically delicious.
So today I think I'm pretty much gunna clean stuff, because the apartment is a bloody disaster. Gunna play some music, too. Looking forward to not being by myself tomorrow. At least I have animals; Res is curled up next to me right now, so I'm not really alone.
